While power-browsing the magazine rack at my local pharmacy, I glimpsed a hunky Javier Bardem on the cover of Esquire and then found Jon Hamm featured on the cover of Details. I am already convinced I’d be perfect for Mr. Bardem (should Penelope ever revoke her interest) so I reached for the Hamm and decided to see if there was anything about this categorically, Webster’s-dictionary-example of handsome that would intrigue me.
I never got past the headline, “The Last Alpha Male.” As I scrutinized the photo of a dazed-looking Don Draper dressed in white shirt and pants and meandering barefoot beside an LA swimming pool, I thought “This can’t be true. Is it true? No way. This is just that typical magazine hyperbole.”
I found the claim –weightless as it may be – a little troubling. First, the thought that Alpha males are near extinction had me worried merely from a standpoint of evolutionary biology. But I also braced at the notion that the arrival of Don Draper, the fraud, liar, genius and complete disaster of a man we voyeuristically observe while bits of him crumble each week, was somehow an aspirational symbol of masculinity. Seriously? Or was this just a silly pronouncement, like last year’s mini-trend of growing long nasty beards like a psycho lumberjack while wearing Prada?
I came home with my prescription and slid under a quilt on the couch. While breezing through the cable channels I encountered a trailer for a new film entitled Barry Munday. After the brief horror of the experience passed I realized the folks at Details may be on to something.
I will admit fully now that manhood is under siege. For real. And men are acting out in some strange ways, grasping for anything that will help light the way to a Clint Eastwood avatar or Tiger Woods’ psych profile. It reminds me a bit of young women 10 years ago when their critical moment of self-knowledge and sense of purpose was met with “Sex and the City.” Now, for the last 5 years it’s been called “Entourage.”
Some boorish turds will tell you it all happened when “women’s lib” came along. They like to think that because it seems like an easy answer to the shrinking role men seem to play in society. But upon a closer examination, men seem to be controlling the amount of shrinkage, and perhaps causing it as well.
Barry Munday is a movie about a man who gets castrated in a movie theater and then finds that before getting his testicles chopped off by the angry father of one of his conquests, he inadvertently fathered a child with a woman he hooked up with some weeks before. When she encounters him with the news we realize the intimate moment must have involved alcohol since she is not what Mr. Munday would consider appealing were he under the mere influence of Red Bull or coffee.
But, having lost his balls, Mr. Munday is a new man, a sensitive man who wants to be a father to his child and show this woman he can be responsible. After all, his testicles were a hindrance to his humanity. Now nothing is holding him back from being the fully realized individual he was meant to be.
The script wasn’t written by an angry women’s studies major or even Lorena Bobbit. It is based on a novel written by Frank Turner Hollon. Yet, it is the most overtly man-hating subject matter hiding out as personal growth/romantic comedy I have ever encountered. Really? We have to castrate a man before he can become tolerable? (That means tolerable and useless are, as I always suspected, one in the same.) Or is it that fatherhood and commitment is a metaphor for total castration? Take your pick of the pseudo-Freudian B.S. but as far as I could see, Barry Munday’s great sin was that he was a sort of uncool jerk who tried to make time with a lot of different women. He tried to be slick and get into their pants. He’s too ridiculous to seem dangerous. Nevertheless, he must be stopped and then challenged with fatherhood because, as we all know, nothing makes a man become a man faster than finding out he is going to have a kid with a woman he hardly knows. Oh, wait, didn’t we see that movie before? Schlumpy pothead impregnates a career girl and figures out the difference between dude and dad, right?
Shortly after that shock I stumbled upon a trailer for another new indie film called “Douchebag.” A shy young man visits his seemingly progressive and sensitive about-to-be-married brother (who does sport the Joachim Phoenix facial hair) and admits he has no track record with the ladies. Yes, another nerdy, socially impotent lost cause falls into the preying hands of his hairy older brother, who convinces him to go on a cross-country search for the girl he loved in 5th grade so he can bring her to the wedding. (Someone needs to invent a synonym for “pathetic” that only applies to these kinds of male-bonding films) During their painful road trip we learn that bearded boy has a penchant for infidelity and red meat, which he usually disavows in front of his vegetarian fiancée. He is the inspiration for the movie’s title. Yay for the audience! They get to watch a skanky liar unravel in front of his jello mold of a sibling.
After these cinematic peeks I figured the Alpha male claim was not as hyperbolic as I originally thought. But then do we even know what Alpha male means anymore? Are we applying it correctly? Are we so desperate for some symbol of “manhood” that doesn’t involve text messages from strippers or tattoo queens that we look to the Mad Men for a glimpse of manly behavior? Drunks, liars, cheaters? Albeit, well-dressed and properly groomed, but this is merely cosmetic. Hamm the man doesn’t interest me much. He’s not that interesting. Yet. So the fascination is tied more to the character he plays. Don Draper is the Van Heusen ad, the Canoe after shave spokesman about to drown in his own deceitfulness. He’s hardly an example or a door opener for men who feel they’ve lost their way towards “manhood.” He's more of a reflection of our (as in male and female) bad decisions, shortcuts, and sellout moments.
Some months ago Hannah Rosin announced in The Atlantic the “end of men.” It seemed a little smug to me until I read the article and was convinced the ascendancy of women has come at a price. But even as a woman who has felt the condescension and rejection in a man’s world, I did not want my success to result in some kind of symbolic castration for men. I did not want to see a generation of men become infantile in the face of female power.
There’s a lot of talk among the professional gum-flappers about rise of China, Brazil and India as powerful economies; hence, the inevitable decline of the U.S. But why accept the inevitability? I think it means we just work harder. It’s a challenge to be more than we are, to rethink, reinvent, to lead. I wonder if men have chosen to shrink in front of the challenge they face from women, embracing the inevitability of their so-called irrelevance or if women refuse to give them a chance to catch their breath. Women do need men to be strong and powerful and moral as a counterbalance, as part of a gender “checks and balances” (I will probably get hammered for that). I, for one, don’t want men to abdicate their paternal instincts, whether they are manifested in the board room or the delivery room. There's a price to pay and both genders feel the pinch.
It's probably silly to get all knotted up over a magazine or a bunch of emasculating movies. Who's really paying attention, right? Still, neither Mr. Hamm or Mr. Draper are the last Alpha males if we mean Alpha in the best sense of the term – leader, persuader, problem-identifier and solver. Draper doesn’t yet fit that description. Maybe the writers will do something about that. But many ordinary men do. Maybe somebody should make a movie about them and, while they’re at it, let the men keep all of their body parts. After all, a man with no balls just becomes an Alpha woman. Or, as the douchebags might say, a b*%*$ch.